Doubt

When delivering my older babies, I was unable to give birth vaginally. With our first, I stalled out at 9 centimeters before needing to have a c-section. With our second, I was determined to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). Once again, I stalled out around 8 centimeters, but only after my bladder ruptured resulting in a repeat c-section as well as a bladder repair.

After having to wear a "pee bag" for nearly 2 months after having our youngest, I had humbly learned my lesson. When we found out we were expecting Sunny, I remember accepting the fact that I was going to have a third c-section and jokingly said, "might as well schedule it now". However, receiving her diagnosis had complicated this decision.

We had considered the pros and cons of both scenarios for several months and we still had no clarity as to what would yield the best outcome.

If I had a c-section:

Cons: harder and longer recovery, longer hospital stay, no immediate skin-on skin time with Sunny until we were in the post-op room and Mike and I would have to wait a longer amount of time before even thinking about a fourth baby.

Pros: faster delivery and less stress on Sunny

If I had a vaginal delivery:

Cons: possible uterine rupture, possible rupture of the scar tissue on my uterus, running the risk of laboring for hours only to end up having another c-section and more stress on Sunny as she worked her way through the birth canal.

Pros: immediate skin-on-skin time, shorter recovery time and hospital stay and less time to wait before trying for a fourth baby.

After a very emotional weekend of trying to figure out the best decision for Sunny's birth, I felt like God was trying to speak to me through all of the noise. I believe He asked me the question, "what decision would you make if you thought Sunny was completely healthy and if she didn't have T18?"

I realized in that moment that God's plan for Sunny had never changed. His plan for Sunny's life had not wavered based off of the information we were given by the doctors or by us obsessively weighing the pros and cons of each delivery method.

What would I have learned walking through this valley if I chose not to continue to trust Him?

Refinement, patience, trust, perseverance, waiting and listening. I had not endured the last several months of pain and heartache to give up now. I chose to still trust and wait on the Lord.