Speaking for myself, giving up control does not come easily.  It never has.  I constantly need to know, need to understand, need to make sense of things.  I am that person who is constantly checking the status of my package deliveries, overanalyzing every interaction I have, needing to understand the why behind everything.  The phrase "let it lie" has never resonated with me and I have certainly never been good at it...until Sunny came along.  As I have previously mentioned, I learned pretty quickly (and learned the hard way, tbh) that I was not in control.  Nothing I did or could do would change the trajectory of God's plan for Sunny's life.  I had to take the backseat and be okay witnessing His plan for her life unfold the way it was always meant to.  I didn't understand (and still don't) why everything happened the way it did.  I had to stop overanalyzing and overthinking every single possible outcome for her life (and there were a lot of possibilities).  Trying to make sense of things was exhausting and frankly - useless.  I gave up control and surrendered to the One who is in control. And now here we are - 6 months without our Sunny.  These past 6 months have been full of all kinds of conflicting feelings and emotions - heartache, sadness, gratitude, joy, anger, peace, confusion...the list goes on and on.  I never knew you could simultaneously experience such joy and heartache all at once.  If I'm being honest, there have been plenty of times where I yearn for some balance and understanding of all of this.  Let's face it, we all love a good redemption story; David and Goliath, Miracle on Ice, any classic underdog story.  We love to witness redemption.  We crave balance to right wrongs, erase mistakes and cancel out conflict.  So I ask, why were we asked to walk through this valley of infant loss? Why have we been chosen to experience this unique and intense heartache? Where is my redemption?!

Repurpose: adapt for use in a different purpose.

The 6-week postpartum visit gives us mamas the green light to resume normal life again - we can go back to working out, we can be intimate with our hubbies again and Aunt Flo just cannot stay away, can she?! For me, the postpartum visit was today and I was not prepared for the extreme tidal wave of emotion it would bring.  As I sat in the waiting room, so many thoughts raced through my head.  To avoid rambling on and on, I will attempt to provide the bullet points: Thought #1: A LOT has happened in 6 weeks.  The same day we welcomed our daughter into the world, we had to say our goodbyes.  We dedicated our daughter to Jesus just days before having to bury her.  Our kiddos started the '23-'24 school year.  Mike and I were blessed to have the opportunity to start The Sunny Side and we continue to navigate the grief process and mourn our baby girl daily.  I can honestly say I have never never felt so many different emotions in the course of a month and a half.  Thought #2: It might sound strange, but I feel some guilt as I pass this 6-week postpartum milestone.  In a way, it feels like I am leaving my baby girl behind; almost like it marks the end of something that has brought me so much joy and so much pain at the same time.  Thought #3: It is truly amazing what our bodies can do.  After birthing a baby our superhero-like bodies just seem to know how to regulate itself and as my body is hitting the reset button, my mind and my heart are desperately trying to keep up. Thought #4: ...Baby #4? Let's table that for now...Thought #5: I wish my baby girl was here with me.  I wish I had to lug around her car seat and diaper bag.  I wish I could quiet her cries as she expressed her dissatisfaction of having to sit in the waiting room with me.  I wish I didn't have to do any of this without her.  And finally...

If you had told me back in February, after receiving Sunny's diagnosis, to "look on the bright side", I probably wouldn't have known how to react to such a comment aside from pure shock and feeling offended. This is not something you encourage a parent, who is expecting to lose a child, to do. Early on, I remember my son asking me if we would still laugh and smile about things. As if to give myself a pep talk, I responded with, "well of course we will! There's still so much to be happy about!"