God planting a seed

If you had told me back in February, after receiving Sunny's diagnosis, to "look on the bright side", I probably wouldn't have known how to react to such a comment aside from pure shock and feeling offended. This is not something you encourage a parent, who is expecting to lose a child, to do. Early on, I remember my son asking me if we would still laugh and smile about things. As if to give myself a pep talk, I responded with, "well of course we will! There's still so much to be happy about!"

And it wasn't until I felt like my back was pushed against a wall of such discouragement, despair, fear and uncertainty that it felt like I didn't have any other choice - I needed to get with it. I needed to be okay for my husband, my kids and myself.

I had put finding joy into practice for several months at this point. I considered myself a pro at trying to smile through the pain and fight through the tears. I had made the choice to still praise God even though I continued to question, "why me?"

After seeing and holding my child when she didn't have a heartbeat, however, this all became much harder to do. On one of the harder days after Sunny passed, I remember calling my mom and asking her how I was going to get through continuous days like the one I was having. I felt like I was drowning and it was impossible to breathe. It felt like my heart just continued breaking over and over again. I remember thinking there was absolutely no way I was going to get through it.

Then, the next day came. The sun was shining and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. I felt okay and there was some relief. In that moment I realized that for the rest of my life, I would feel like I was climbing a never-ending mountain of grief. Some days might feel like more of a plateaued stroll and other days would feel like I was walking against the wind, trudging in the mud, feeling like I wasn't making any forward progress.

And in that moment, I made the decision to honor Sunny's life. I wasn't sure how or what it would entail, but what I did know was how the grace and mercy of God, and the love and support we received from everyone around us had helped carry us (and continued to carry us) through the fire. I felt like I was being called to pass this goodness on...the seed had been planted.