Maybe this WAS our first rodeo...

Welp...I ate my words.  

It didn't take long for us to learn how little control we had...👏 over 👏 anything.  

A little bit of a backstory, but for at least 3 years prior to getting pregnant this time around (which was a bit of a surprise, btw), I had completely changed how I treated my body.  I was careful of what I put in my body, I ate cleanly, I was active and worked out regularly - my body was a dang temple! I thought it was in primo condition for carrying a baby this time around.  As I mentioned before, this was not my first rodeo.  I was so clouded by ignorance that the only thoughts floating around in my head were, "everything will be fine...I've done this before...what could possibly go wrong?!"  I completely took for granted just how perfectly things need to go throughout pregnancy to result in a healthy baby.  It wasn't even a thought or a concern of mine at the time.  

After a couple of early blood draws, I learned that my HCG levels were rising, but were not doubling.  I was told that levels should normally double every 48 hours in the early stages of pregnancy.  The nurse stated that there could be a possibility of outcomes, but one of those outcomes could be a non-viable pregnancy.  I immediately thought, but why would God allow that to happen? How could God take away a blessing so quickly after giving it?

I knew my God.  I had witnessed God's goodness in many ways up until that point.  I was a recipient of God's grace and mercy on many occasions throughout my life and I was convinced it wasn't going to end here.  But even after being on the receiving end of His goodness, I was worried and I was scared.  Even after learning time and time again, that He is the author of my life, I refused to give up control.  I wasn't going to accept a non-viable pregnancy being the final result - as if I ever had a say in the first place.  

The nurse scheduled an early ultrasound for Monday, December 5th to check for viability and while streaming Love Church the Sunday before, I asked the online community to pray for our circumstance.  Here is the prayer that was prayed over us:

"Heavenly Father - thank you for this opportunity to pray to you.  I am here to submit your child's hand to you, Lord.  Let her anxiety be cleaned by your miracles.  Lord, she came to you before her ultrasound and she knows you are going to hit her with your beautiful miracles.  That's why she came to you.  We believe you are powerful, God - you are the Doctor of doctors - let her ultrasound yield good results.  We believe it is your result.  Father, I am praying for her family.  Please send your Holy angels and protect them.  Touch everyone in her family.  Be in the center of her family.  Give them peace and love.  I ask this all in the name of Jesus Christ.  Amen."

And boy...did it yield a good result.  The next morning, when Mike left for work, he hugged me and told me about the dream he had the night before.  He said that in his dream, we went to the ultrasound and not only were we told there was a heartbeat, but we were also told that we were expecting a baby girl.  This was music to my ears.  Mike had this uncanny, prophetic-like ability to accurately predict the gender of our first two babies...never mind the fact that it was always a 50/50 chance of being correct, I took his dream as being prophecy.  Remember the bit I said at the beginning about not being in control? Someone should have slapped me in the face right then and there.  

However, sure enough, the sonographer was able to show us the tiniest flicker on ultrasound indicating there was a heartbeat.  It was such a beautiful sight.  We left the clinic with a few pictures that I remember glancing at several times during the car ride home...it was the proof I needed to remind myself that there was a baby in my tummy and that it was a viable pregnancy.  I remember hearing Aaron Shust's "My Savior, My God" on the radio.  The opening lyrics read, "I am not skilled to understand, what God has willed, what God has planned.  I only know at my right hand, stands One who is my Savior."  If only I had realized in that moment, the significance of the words I was hearing.  If only I had the alarming discernment to accept in that moment and on that car ride, that despite the results we were just given at the doctor's office, I still had no idea what God's plan would entail for the next 8 months.